so, i am officially unemployed now. back story? the short version is that i had a nervous breakdown and had to quit last week. here comes the long version:

work has been going through a lot of changes. i was first hired as a junior loan processor and i assisted flora for about 6 months. one day in december, they told me that i was going to start processing loans by myself the week after. we had a mentor who was busy a lot of the times but was still very helpful. afterward, she had to go to china and we were left on our own to do the loans. this was when we started to full on change to the new system of software and the higher ups gave me more work as a nondelegated underwriter. they then wanted to put another person over us and change the way we do loans while learning everything new on this new system that i’m still not familiar with…and so…i kind of crashed…

i took time off, but it still didn’t help. i wasn’t able to sleep or eat and i would wake up sobbing uncontrollably. i wasn’t able to move my neck, and more importantly, i wasn’t able to more forward with the loans even though i knew that they were time sensitive…i don’t know if i’m able to handle so many changes. i can see all that i have done wrong and am scared if i will regret this…if i had more knowledge as a processor, i might not be as scared about the new system. if i was smarter, and i was able to retain the information instead of it floating away…if i was more personable and could handle the pressure from all the different sides (the underwriters, bosses, agents, borrowers)…right now, i do feel a little depressed since this seems like i failed in this area and i’m comparing myself to my coworkers, to my peers, etc. i didn’t want to blog because this is probably exactly the kind of entry i need to remember since it is so painful.

right now, i think i need to make sure that what i’m doing with my time will count. i probably have learned the hard way that i don’t want to have a career as a loan processor. the four years that i had at NTS was a time of stability and a time that i did enjoy. i think that i need to make use of the time that i have now to serve God, serve Anson, serve my family, friends, and church, and study to get back into accounting. yes, i’m fearful and it’s hard for me to let go and let God control my life. he will give me a job or show me my direction in His time. i hope that i can rely on Him and use this time well, to glorify Him in whatever i do.

the rate has been high, so not as many loans, but that is good so that we can learn how to use the new system (Encompass). lisa xu, my mentor, is in china probably for the rest of august for family reasons. i am still doing a little bit of processing.

shawn and rebecca have given me new duties as a “nondelegated underwriter”. what does that mean? whatever loans we don’t underwrite in house, i will send to the lender by submitting the documents. i will also redisclose the Good Faith Estimate and Truth-in-Lending whenever there is a change in loan amount, rate, terms, and when locked for all loans through Encompass. i just learned how to redisclose yesterday with shawn and co. I’ve submitted a few loans through Encompass, which can be a very time consuming process.

the subject of work has kind of been on my mind for a while since there have been so many things pointing to it. we’ve been going through a sunday school series concerning God and work. it has been helpful to put in to perspective how work should effect us and what we’re ultimately working for. for me, i should not be idle at work, and for anson, he should not make work an idol.

also, in our bookclub book “respectable sins”, and we’re going through the topic of anger. the weeds of anger are resentment and bitterness. encompass has been…challenging. the processors hate it. the loan agents hate it. it’s so time consuming and everybody doesn’t like when we have to learn something new especially when management doesn’t really know how to use it either. i think i was bitter and had some resentment toward it too, but going through this book has challenged me to not let the weeds of anger enrapture me. the company must use this system if we are to go into underwriting, so learn, or be left behind. the past was before. we need to change with the company in order to be a good employee and respectful of those who are put in authority over us.