so, i am officially unemployed now. back story? the short version is that i had a nervous breakdown and had to quit last week. here comes the long version:

work has been going through a lot of changes. i was first hired as a junior loan processor and i assisted flora for about 6 months. one day in december, they told me that i was going to start processing loans by myself the week after. we had a mentor who was busy a lot of the times but was still very helpful. afterward, she had to go to china and we were left on our own to do the loans. this was when we started to full on change to the new system of software and the higher ups gave me more work as a nondelegated underwriter. they then wanted to put another person over us and change the way we do loans while learning everything new on this new system that i’m still not familiar with…and so…i kind of crashed…

i took time off, but it still didn’t help. i wasn’t able to sleep or eat and i would wake up sobbing uncontrollably. i wasn’t able to move my neck, and more importantly, i wasn’t able to more forward with the loans even though i knew that they were time sensitive…i don’t know if i’m able to handle so many changes. i can see all that i have done wrong and am scared if i will regret this…if i had more knowledge as a processor, i might not be as scared about the new system. if i was smarter, and i was able to retain the information instead of it floating away…if i was more personable and could handle the pressure from all the different sides (the underwriters, bosses, agents, borrowers)…right now, i do feel a little depressed since this seems like i failed in this area and i’m comparing myself to my coworkers, to my peers, etc. i didn’t want to blog because this is probably exactly the kind of entry i need to remember since it is so painful.

right now, i think i need to make sure that what i’m doing with my time will count. i probably have learned the hard way that i don’t want to have a career as a loan processor. the four years that i had at NTS was a time of stability and a time that i did enjoy. i think that i need to make use of the time that i have now to serve God, serve Anson, serve my family, friends, and church, and study to get back into accounting. yes, i’m fearful and it’s hard for me to let go and let God control my life. he will give me a job or show me my direction in His time. i hope that i can rely on Him and use this time well, to glorify Him in whatever i do.